Like the horizon, some lives are meant to be timeless and have no end. Mine was such a life. I had a beginning, but the memory of my life has no end. Some lives are like a pebble dropped into a pond that sends out ripples reaching the water’s edge. Others are like waves starting at the centre of the ocean moving at such intensity that they produce another wave, and another. Those waves crash against the rocks with such force that after a prolonged time, the once rough surfaces become silky smooth.
My life was to be a wave; although perhaps not the one at the centre; nevertheless, one that would produce momentum, speed and force in the waves after me. What makes the difference between a ripple and a wave? That of an enquiring heart; not satisfied with life as it is; someone willing to ask the hard questions and equally willing to search for the answers. I believe I was asking the hard questions even before that fateful day when riding in the forest, my friend was struck by lightning. Of course, this tragic event jolted me into reality; but was I really joining reality when I became a monk and found myself in a world dominated by superstition, fear of evil spirits and a belief in eternal purgatory and damnation? I was searching for answers. My superiors took note of my enquiring mind and sought ways to nurture and cultivate my teaching and preaching gifts. It was not long before I became a priest and was faced with an even greater terror than the bolt of lightning that day; this was executing my first mass. With my superiors, fellow priests and family members watching, my hands trembled under the weight of the knowledge of my sinfulness so much so that I spilt what was deemed the very blood of Jesus Christ! How could one as sinful as myself not incur the wrath of God as I held in my hands the very blood and body of Christ?
Although on the outside, as the Professor of Theology at the University of Wittenburg, I could aspire for nothing greater. Yet on the inside I was the lowliest of men. Nothing seen on the outside in my religious world met the deep longings on the inside of my soul. This was only proved substantially when I went to Rome. I was hoping this pilgrimage to the Holy City would somehow provide me with peace. Instead, I witnessed the degradation of my religion where supposed relics of Christ’s life were being sold for years off purgatory for the buyer and family members. The futility of what I was following would stare me in the face as I ascended on my knees, with hundreds of others, the holy staircase that was claimed to be part of Pilate’s house and was miraculously transported from Jerusalem to Rome. As I ascended these holy stairs that had been hollowed by thousands of pilgrims before me, the verse came to my mind “The righteous shall live by his faith”. I bolted upright and thought how can this be when we have been promised 1000 years off purgatory when paying to ascend these steps?
I ran away from that wretched place ashamed at the depths to which I had sunk. I returned to my post at the University in greater turmoil than when I had left. My religion had failed me. I had failed my religion. I turned myself into extended times of confession, but even this left me empty and in fear, thinking that I had forgotten to confess one of my sins. It was while I was preparing lectures on the Psalms that I discovered the key to the Kingdom that the Church had lost. As I returned to what the Scriptures really meant, I read Psalm 31:1, which read, “Deliver me in your righteousness.” This word “righteousness” kept haunting me. I had always thought of it as the punishment of a holy God towards sinful man. I then reflected on Romans 1:17 that says, “Righteousness is from first to last, by faith.”
Night and day I pondered these words until I grasped the truth that,
“The righteousness of God is that righteousness whereby, through grace and sheer mercy, He justifies us by faith. Thereupon, I felt myself to be reborn and to have gone through open doors into paradise. The whole Scripture took on a new meaning and whereas before the ‘righteousness’ of God had filled me with hate, now it became to me inexpressibly sweet in greater love. This passage in Paul became to me a gateway to heaven.”
This truth from the Word of God had eluded me, but not only me, millions of others who had been following false teachings over the last 1500 years. This truth was revolutionary for one who called himself a priest, for my role as a mediator between God and man was no longer necessary. What freedom this truth brought to my soul; to finally know that no amount of indulgences or religious rituals could purchase salvation for man! It was a free gift of God through belief in His Son, Jesus Christ.
I would bask in this revelation, and now, relationship, and for the next four years, share this truth with whomever I could. But the reformation of my heart alone would not be enough, for God had greater plans for my life. With those greater plans, comes greater responsibility and with it, greater prices to pay. This time, the price I would pay was not in exchange for years off purgatory, but the price could possibly be my life. The challenge that came to me again and again would be, “Was I prepared for my life to be a wave crashing onto the ocean’s shores or a pebble sending ripples on the edge of a pond?”
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