How
does it feel to be born of a woman and have no choice in the matter; to be
brought into a world you did not create; to be given a name as you were
embedded in your mother’s womb?
At
the onset of a “New Day,” a call from the depths of creation rang out and
beckoned me to emerge from the rock in which I was shaped; from the place where
I had been hidden and concealed. I was quickly introduced to people and an
environment I did not choose, nor necessarily desire. Yet, having no choice, I
had been chosen, and so what was I to do with all that had been handed to me at
the awakening of a “New Dawn”? I had been given a name, a calling, and an
intrinsic desire to be connected with the Lover of my soul. This Lover had me
in His mind since the beginning of time. The invitation to make the connection
and to enjoy the beauty of His heart was there, but how would I find Him? My
eyes were dim and my ears dull. Someone was needed who would lead me to this
Lover. Surely, the one who had birthed me would guide me along the journey to
make this heart connection. Surely, she would see the treasures within, for
wasn’t she the one who had named me? I waited for, looked for, hoped for,
expected and leaned upon her to be my guide. Instead, she sent into my heart the first arrow of
affliction— REJECTION. I had been forsaken and forgotten by the one who should
have had compassion on her child. The one in whom I thought would lead me to
the Lover of my soul; instead, led me to a place of betrayal. If the one who
bore me couldn’t lead me on this journey, perhaps then the one who had given
birth to her could? I waited for, looked for, hoped for, expected and leaned
upon her to show me the way, but instead, she showed me rules, rituals and
religion. And the arrow of affliction— FEAR, took root into my heart.
Entering
the realm of formal learning, I was put behind forms and structures and in
front of a teacher. I waited for, looked for, hoped for, expected and leaned
upon him to help connect my heart with the Lover of my soul. Surely, he had
been placed in that role as my guide. I was taught what to do in order to
survive and succeed in an environment where people were to be pleased and
praised. At the end of many years, I graduated with an arrow of PERFORMANCE. My
certificate stated I had completed the requirements of meeting people’s
expectations in order to gain their approval and acceptance. As that arrow of
affliction pierced my heart, pride oozed out. I resolved that if this was how
to gain people’s hearts, I would do it. I didn’t know that by gaining others’
hearts and allowing pride to take root in mine, I was forfeiting my connection
with the Lover of my soul.
With
the arrows of REJECTION, FEAR and PERFORMANCE already lodged deeply into my
heart, I became the prime target for the Great Deceiver’s subtlest arrow. I
waited for, looked for, hoped for, expected and leaned upon the one who called
herself a friend. She was popular and accepted by those around her; surely, she
was someone who could lead me to the Lover of my soul. It seems even the ones
who look the strongest are often the weakest at the core of their beings;
having had their own hearts pierced by those arrows of affliction. This friend
introduced me to a lover who I thought was most like the Lover Himself. What
would it hurt if I gave my heart to this Lesser Lover? Perhaps finding this
form of love was really all there was ever meant to be? Perhaps I had fooled
myself into thinking there was ever going to be a connection with the Lover of my soul? I had
already lost so much, so why not lose it all, thus the arrow of IMMORALITY
lodged within my heart. Once I gave away my heart and my Lesser Lover gained
what he was pursuing, I was once again rejected, and this time I allowed the
arrow of BITTERNESS to take root in my heart. The poison from this arrow proved
to be a far greater poison than all the other arrows. I cast blame on the one
who had birthed me and the one who had born her. I could not get over how the
one who had taught me also disappointed me. I resented the one who had led me
to the Lesser Lover and I despised the one who had used me. Worst of all, I
began to hate myself and became a prisoner in my own skin. The one who had been
formed, called, and named in her mother’s womb was wasting away.
These
arrows were consuming me with pain. I tried pulling them out, but that was even
more agonizing. I tried covering them up, but to no avail. They were becoming
too overwhelming for me to handle, and I was quickly losing heart. If only
there was someone who could help me understand what was happening? I had
someone try to tell me I was justified in feeling the way I did; that I was a
victim in this cycle of life. The arrows were who I was and I just had to live
with them. If I was to follow this road, I would require from others what I
wouldn’t require of myself. Others told me in order to make it through this
tragic life I should become a survivor, ensuring no one would come close to my
heart.
This
confused me all the more. The only thing I knew was to silence their voices and
the longing for that connection with the Lover of my soul, and return to the
rock from which I had been shaped, and hide. It was there I thought about all
the times I had concealed my pain behind a smile. It was there I thought about
how I was so inadequate and undeserving of love. It was there I tried to cover
up the arrows that were deeply embedded within my heart. It was there I came to
the reality of the enormous mistake I made. Shame overshadowed me like a thick,
wet blanket, making me stoop under its heaviness. But it was there I heard a
voice, not a loud voice, but rather a still small voice, speaking comfort to my
heart and alluring me to come out from hiding…
