So, what's missing? (Part 2)

Integrity… That is what was missing from my heart as I flipped between “Whatsapp” messages and my Bible study. I carried on like this for ages. Sometimes I would sense the prodding of the Holy Spirit telling me not to turn my phone on until after I had met with Him, but I would justify and reason away my selfish behaviour by thinking what if my kids needed me and couldn’t get in touch because my phone was off? To me, I was being selfless. I kept ignoring those promptings and carried on with business as usual. In keeping with the Holy Spirit’s character, He didn’t scream at me to get my attention. Rather, He used a series of “dramas” in my children’s lives to reveal to me my own lack of integrity.

“You kids don’t listen to me” was a phrase I would say to them often after giving them what I believed was godly, wise advice and still finding many of them getting distracted by the cares, riches and pleasures of life. I went into the time of prayer and fasting, was faithful to not turn my phone on first thing in the morning and started listening to “Clear the Stage” by Jimmy Needham over and over.

“Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze, if that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols… Tell your friends that this is where the party ends until you’re broken for your sins, you can’t be social… Take a break from all the plans that you have made and sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper. Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak and pray for real upon your knees until they blister. Shine the light on every corner of your life until the pride and lust and lies are in the open. Then read the Word and put to test the things you’ve heard until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken… We must not worship something that’s not even worth it. Clear the stage; make some space for the One who deserves it… Any thing I put before my God is an idol. Any thing I want with all my heart is an idol. Any thing I can’t stop thinking of is an idol. Any thing that I give all my love is an idol.”

As I really let those words sink into my spirit, without any distractions, I was cut to the heart. The finger was pointing right back at me. The Holy Spirit was showing me that I was being just as rude to Him as others had been to me when messaging someone who wasn’t there, while I was present. He also revealed to me that I had been so challenged when my children didn’t seem to be listening to me and putting my advice into practice, and I wasn’t even listening and obeying my Father’s advice and promptings. It all came back to my disobedient, selfish, sinful heart. Without even realizing it, I had made my interactions with them, using this form of social media, an idol. They had become my first priority, my first thought, and my first concern. My words to them and their words to me were what I looked forward to, forgetting that our words are so temporary - so here today and gone tomorrow. Only the Word of God will never pass away and will endure throughout. My pride, lust and lies had been exposed and I repented of my lack of integrity. I hadn’t been walking the talk; nor was I consistent in both attitude and actions; nor did I finish what I had started years ago; nor was I walking in the fear of the Lord; nor was I “being” with the Lord and then finding myself ready for “doing” what He had told me. I had slipped into compromise.

It was time to “Clear the Stage” of what wasn’t a priority and could be attended to at a later time (delayed gratification). It was time to sit undistracted and wait for God to whisper and truly be “with” Him. And whisper He has with fresh insights and revelation from His Word and the amazing thing is that the time I used to spend messaging my children I am now praying for them. So I’m not missing out at all. In fact, praying God’s Word over them is accomplishing a lot more than my words ever will. I’ll be honest sometimes I wake up and am tempted to turn my phone on, but once I get into God’s presence I actually don’t want to turn it on. Wild, hey?!? With the Holy Spirit’s help, and my cooperation, I want to continue in this reformed way after the fast is finished.

David in his prayer of repentance in Psalm 51:6 says, “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.” My version of that would be, “Holy Spirit, I give You permission to not let me get away with what I have been letting myself get away with.” For me, that is a prayer for integrity.